Winds of Change

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For most of my life, I have run from my feelings.

In life we are driven by two motivations that are interconnected, to feel pleasure and avoid pain, obviously we devote more energy into feeling pleasure 

I can recall so many times when I have reacted to incidents that have happened in my life were I have fought or just simply ran a mile to avoid or reduce pain.  Friends I have watched stuck in unhealthy relationships afraid of confrontation or just because they are unable to leave and find happiness. I've listened to colleagues complaining about their job day in day out instead of leaving, they endure the situation until they change it.

From a very young age, I felt overwhelmed by pain. As a pre-teen, I ate my feelings. As a teen, I starved them away. In college and in my twenties, I felt and cried my eyes out, sobbing and wailing wishing I had never let these feelings in, I should of kept them buried deep down and carried on pretending everything was fine, they never went away they just stacked up one at a time until I exploded.

Self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills, I needed to get these working together again.  Once I had them all working together again as a team, I would then be able to understand what was going on in my head and heart; I wouldn't make any more hasty decisions on impulse; I would be able to motivate myself to delay gratification; I would then listen to, understand, and relate to others and I would finally be able to focus on other people.

I needed to deal with emotions as they arose instead of burrying them.  The burrying arose from a lack of understanding, maybe even arrogance on my part.  It's hard to always grasp and completely understand feelings when they happen especially if you believe you shouldn't be feeling it so I started to look at the causes of my feelings not matter how hard this was - cause and effect.  

I done lots of work on feeling what I needed to feel, concentrating on positive thinking.  

It's human to hurt and often we need to work through it.  Pain is part of my life, and I can’t avoid it by resisting it.  Medication helps but I have worked alot on acceptance and recently started working with the pain clinic.  So now I feel the pain but know in time I can control it and it will pass.  Nothing lasts forever.  I feel empowered because I am trying to get some control, I no longer need to act on this pain and to help diffuse it I have channelled it into this blog.  I never cared if anyone read my blog, I have done it because I needed an outlet and to be honest I have started to love it and now try to ensure Mrs Harris has a least one to read every day at the moment. 

Over time I have given in to my feelings, negative feelings are only negative if they’re excessive and enduring.  I won’t hurt myself into eternal misery if I let myself feel what I need to feel.  I've learnt to take responsibility for my own happiness, learnt to minimise my pain and take control of my own pleasure.



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