Will I be Okay?

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Will I be okay? 

I have made the best of the last 7 years and have endured some very difficult times, I have also unfortunately been dragged through some muck along the way, but muck washes off thankfully.  I have at times surprised myself with my strength and resilience, and I know I have learnt to rain all over other people's parades.

I have learnt the hard way that even though I have craved certainty and the illusion of control, life hasn't happened like that for me and I can't see it ever happening like that. 

 “surprise me,” makes me incredibly uncomfortable. Playing it by ear is absolutely torturous. Penciling it in makes me come out in a rash. 

Universe, I get the message. 

I am absolutely useless at making any sort of plan as it never turns out how I want it too.  Planning is complicated, so many variables.  I'm learning to accept to just deal with what life throws at me daily. As much as I'd like to take credit for certain days, the details are often things that just present themselves when they’re good and ready to be seen and they tend to sort themselves out in ways that I never could have planned.

Part of me wishes I could look into the future because then I could believe I will be ok and that the chest line and plasma will keep me healthy, maybe I need to trust that I could find a way to be ok no matter what happens.  The more comfortable I get with letting the details reveal themselves when the time is right, the more aware I am of all the people who want to know the plan right now for me.  They want to know how long plasma will keep me healthy for.  They ask all kinds of detailed questions, so much so that I feel ashamed for not having it all figured out.

When you know, you live and breathe it. Instead of seeking control, you seek clarity. Instead of certainty, you seek courage.  When you know the truth, you also know that it’s supposed to be a little scary to look out into an uncertain future.  It takes courage to walk into the future knowing that you don’t have all the details nailed down. You literally have no idea if the next step may be right or may be wrong, it could lead you nowhere, but you have to take it at some point.

Looking to the future, I have a good idea of how I want to feel and what’s most important to me everything else is not important.

 I know I don’t need to see the details to trust that I will be able to figure them out when the time is right, and I don’t need to see my future path to know in my heart that it’s there waiting for me to take that step. I don’t need to know exactly how every piece will play out to know what the most important pieces are to me. 

Treatment plans are just a rough plan, so i think it's better to be curious about what happens next, and not try to be controlling.

I will find a way to be okay no matter what.    

I have no idea where I’ll be working ten years from now, no idea on where we will be living, what we’ll be doing with our weekends, if my wife will be completely grey, but I do trust myself enough to know I will be ok because I have my wife, I don’t know all the when’s, where’s, or even how’s, but I do know how I want to feel and what I hold nearest to my heart and that's my wife and my family. 

Looking forward, I’m going to try not to let my fear that I won’t be okay or that I’ll choose wrong or that people will disapprove suck the life out of us living any more.

I have my wife and my family so I’ll be okay no matter what.

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