Triggers

Life has a confession to make - you will not always like or love everyone.

I know this isn’t exactly red top front-page news. It’s not like I’m the first or the last to ever dislike someone. In everyday life, situations like this have brought me face to face with all my strongest triggers.

When you dislike someone, you struggle, you regularly find myself wanting to judge them before giving them the benefit of the doubt—even though I know I’d want that courtesy! You suspect them of everything and of poor intentions and come to your own conclusions.

In certain aspects of life, we are always talking about letting go of judgements; is it possible that sometimes, someone is just an idiot??

I think it is judgmental to decide someone’s actions are “wrong” especially when I feel strongly opposed to that person. I know often that there are emotional triggers influencing my response but does that mean they shouldn’t be accountable for their actions?

We all form assumptions, we are all guilty of this. I’ve formed many due to peoples behavior: She thinks she is better than other people; he’s really selfish despite pretending to be caring and well-intentioned; and actually this is completely unfair of me. I wonder sometimes have I projected

I realize hidden under my cloak, I have strong emotional reactions that are based on lots of things that aren’t solely related to the people I dislike, maybe it is also about my past experiences.

This doesn’t mean no one has ever done anything to justify my anger. It’s just that usually, when I feel unable to access even a shred of understanding, it’s because there are strong layers of resistance, reinforced by years of my own pain, in the way.

I suspect this is true for most of us, its just that I am chosing to put it out for people to read.

While I am being honest, I realize there’s a lot more contributing to my feelings than someones actions, that doesn’t change that I don’t agree with everything they say and do.

Once I examine the layers of my complex response, I can objectively ask myself, “Which of the choices they are making don’t feel right for me?” This isn’t judgment—it’s discernment. It’s forming an assessment without the emotional weight behind it, I find that this is essential to maintain my own moral compass.

That means I don’t need to label them and I can choose freely to not have them in my life.  It is not about deciding that they are a “bad person” and, therefore, feeling better than them; it’s about me realizing that they are a bad match for a friendship and then feeling better about the situation.

The positive consequence: I give them far less power over me and my emotions.

But if I were to want to maintain a friendship with them, I’d have two choices: accept them as they are, or share my reactions to there choices, I know from past experience that people rarely respond well when they feel judged or attacked, sometimes people surprise us when we explain how we feel in response to the things they do, if they don’t care, well, It doesn’t make them idiots. It just gives us a reason to be discerning about whether or not we want to care about them.