Moving forward.... My first 3am post

My first post done at 3am in the morning - stick with me, I promise I will not ramble!!! 

Rejection in life is unavoidable and starts as far back as PE in school, nothing worse than not being picked for a team until near last - utlimate rejection back then. 

Nobody enjoys or likes being rejected, in life no matter how much we change we will always encounter people who just dislike us, disrespect us or disapprove of us.  Being gay, disapproval has come my way by the bucket load endlessly over the years and even still today. 

Life is about losing, failing or not making the grade and valuable lessons can be learned everytime.  My wife's father always used to say our first dog Jasper would never make the grade.  

Rejection and not being good enough are NOT the same thing, not everybody is programmed to like everyone else. What a boring life that would make! 

As, I have eluded to in previous posts, I lack self confidence and hate nothing more than people saying Just be Yourself as to me being myself is why I have this issue! This Just be Yourself may be good advice to some, but if you have pretended to be someone else for most of your life like I have then this other version of you, the act, becomes who you believe you are. Once this false persona collapses, and you discover that your life was a lie, all that is left are a set of very very awkward questions, the biggest one being Who the hell am I??

When I was a teenager, I felt lost and aimless but doesn't every teenager??. I thought I had to know myself inside out, uncover all the answers, find myself. This finding yourself feels very hippie and I don't like touchy feely and it takes a very long time, no overnight miracle occurs here trust me.  I cannot tell you the amount of time I have spent having 1-1 chats with myself in the mirror over the years. Some of these 1-1 chats I have enjoyed as I have gained fabulous insight into me, investigating for example what makes me happy, what makes my eyes light up, who makes my heart flutter and more hippie touchy feely things. 

As, I have touched on very very briefly, Throughout my teens, early/late twenties I suffered from problems namely bulimia,  I know that this was caused by my self-rejection, because now I am beginning to love myself (puke!) I still have issues in my head, I see someone else entirely when I look in the mirror where as my wife and family just see me but I can contain this in my head and torture myself mentally instead of physically acting this out now. 

My social awkwardness originated from believing I could be rejected by anyone at any point even someone on a counter in a shop, my parents knew how nervous and self conscious I was as a teenager and always tried to help me but I really struggled, around 15-16 years old the cloak was created and I pretended to be someone else to be worthy, to gain approval, to impress and to appeal to who I thought mattered. 

Under the cloak, hidden away I have obviously always found it hard to find direction in my life, figure out what makes me passionate and the ultimate hippy touchy feely statement - what is my purpose in this world?  Some people in my life, work colleagues for example don't know the real me, they have only ever seen the cloaked me with non stop banter and constant chatter. 

I am not blaming being gay for playing a major part in my need for the cloak but being gay definitely piled on the pressure.  Not being able to predict peoples reaction for example, their disappointment and in my extended families case their hurt didn't make this any easier.  Extended family who made my life hell back in my early 20s have disappeared from my life, my doing, because they shouldn't have cared but they did and they took great enjoyment from the humiliation they created at family gatherings.  The truth is, and this may sound brutal but they are dead to me because in my early 20s they created enough damage mentally to last me several lifetimes and the emotional hurt they caused my family, especially my parents can never be repaired.  

Friends reflect what you believe about yourself, when these beliefs change, so do the people around you. A special few stick with you for life, but most will come and go, it's like a constant flowing river.  The special few accept me, they love and respect me warts and all and the rest drown. 

Let's say there are 8 billion people on this planet, you cannot be rejected by all 8 billion, I know sometimes it can feel like you will be, but I am in my late 30s now and I have survived. Throughout my teens and twenties I believed I was unlovable because I had, according to me, zilch to offer, because of this I didn't deserve other people’s approval because I couldn't cut the mustard and was in no way at all good enough, and that the only way for me to be acceptable was to hide away under my cloak.  The mind that tortured me was also my biggest protector because I wouldn't suffer anymore rejection or disappointment because I was hidden.  

In my very late twenties I started to learn with the help of my wife who allowed me time (years!) to learn and come to the conclusion that my true self is beautiful, valuable, and infinitely deserving of happiness, friendship, and love. My worth is unconditional. It doesn’t depend on my style and appearance thank goodness because currently I must be having some form of breakdown wearing my indie band T-shirts or my Bastille t-shirts.  My self worth is even irrespective of my bank balance and it isn’t diminished by the lack of other people’s approval. 

I will always make mistakes because I am human, everyone also like me does things they do not want to admit and from time to time we are all rejected but going forward with the love and support I am surrounded by I am going to try and do my best to be loving, kind and fluffy and that hopefully will be good enough.   According to my mum, and yes she will write me a note, people want to get to know me and people love me if only I would allow them in.