Focus

Pressure can be suffocating especially when you are obsessively focused on achievement. Over the years I have ignored this pressure and continued attacking my goals, from Team manager at Boots to my Jobs within the NHS.

Overtime it became darker and heavier. It became crippling. It forced me to put a stop to almost everything in my life.

I’m driven by a need for accomplishment just like my drive that pushed me to +2 in my golf.

I have succeeded in school, work, and sports. My methods to achieve my goals were consistently reinforced by positive results, this“success” came with a price that took a toll on me personally. The only way I knew to succeed was through uncompromisingly high expectations and an unrelenting work ethic. When things didn’t go right, I was hard on myself and doubled down on my efforts.

When I became poorly, this unhealthy drive was no longer sustainable and I had to try to succeed without attaching to the outcome, and learn to let my thoughts come and go.

Over the years, as I pursued one goal after another with laser focus, the fear of failure grew, I couldn't let anyone see this so hid this under my cloak.  I wish I didn't have these thoughts but they spiraled in my head. 

I tried to stop them through sheer willpower. This actually made things worse, I didn'tdn’t utter a word about this to anyone, even myself.

A few months ago, the feelings I had been pushing down for years exploded inside me like a volcano. I no longer had the option to continue ignoring it.

I put up a stop sign.

I worried.  I worried about worrying. I couldn’t stop the seemingly endless dark thoughts, fears, and sleepless nights.  

I twisted and turned in bed for hours, my muscles enjoyed the attention and I focused on the pain I was also in physically.

I needed help.  

Getting better was a tough challenge even though I directed my will to succeed and work ethic to it.   

I tried my best each day.  I tried to practice acceptance. I tried to not resist or dive into the dark thoughts. I say “tried” because most of the time I failed at successfully executing these habits.

I had the highest urgency to improve. Every action I took was centered around managing and decreasing the fear.  

Over time, I gained tools and skills that helped me cope with the anxiety. I uncovered important truths about what had led me to this reality.

The fear of failure exploding within me forced me to examine my actions, priorities, and values, and where my life was headed. At the time, I wished there were easier ways to learn those lessons. Your greatest teachers are your failures apparently. That’s the way life works.

It still shows its ugly face unannounced.  I can manage it if I’m mindful.  

I struggle with acceptance, to me acceptance represented being okay with mediocre effort and average results. I thought it would lead me to lose the drive to succeed that has been one of the key ingredients to my accomplishments in life to date.  

I was wrong. Acceptance can be paired with a drive to succeed.  Acceptance allows you to let go of the result once the hard work is complete. It frees you from worrying and being attached to the outcome, because that’s out of your control. Acceptance is living in the world of what is, instead of what should be, what could be, or what you want it to be.  Acceptance is simple but hard to practice for overanalyzers like me.  

If I’m trying to control things that I can’t change or affect, I’m not accepting my current situation. Trying to act outside of my circle of control is resisting the way the world works. It’s like not accepting that I can’t change the laws of gravity.

I’ve experienced the deepest periods of tranquility that I’ve had in my life in the last couple of months because I’ve accepted everything in my life as it is.

My mind feels quiet because there is no friction or turbulence. I lose myself in the sounds and sights of my environment. I hear the birds chirp. I see all the different colors of my flowers.

This is a perspective that only comes after being through the eye of a storm. 

I have quit relentlessly pursuing success at any cost.   I have prioritized balance in my life.  A successful life isn’t defined by how many achievements I’ve collected. Instead, success is building and nurturing relationships, being present to the little things in life, being grateful for the gift of life and living the life I want without looking over my shoulder to see what others are chasing.