Feelings...

Today I feel a little deflated, since the stitches were removed, the cuff area (chest exit site) has been incredibly painful.  I have just been to the pharmacy to collect the three pages of my repeat medication and when I got back my wife said it may be better if we remove the dressing and let the area catch some air, she has cleaned it and we have found the source of the bleeding.  We have strapped the lumen lines to my chest and hoping that today it will dry up around the cuff.

It is human nature to use destructive methods to avoid difficult things on occasion. Sometimes I wish I could remain silent in the face of confrontation instead of speaking out, I wish I also could hide behind my anger instead of admitting that I am frustrated and scared.

As I have said before in other posts I am trying not to avoid my feelings. 

In the past, I’d talk to myself and believe me, my wife would tell you I can start an arguement with myself! I would often do this when I found it impossible to communicate the anger and desperation I was feeling. I still have those things inside of me today but I am on occasion prone to a blow up over nothing.  My wife always knows when something is wrong with me or on my mind as she says I stomp around. 

When she confronts me, I burst. I scream and rant in frustration and often it all comes pouring out. A rambling dialogue between me, myself and I revealea that I often feel stuck, stupid, or terrified of something.  Coming to terms with my feelings, I find a complete chore and it can become incredibly painful.

I'm dumbfounded by people who don’t let you get a word in edgewise, let me admit here openly I am one of these people, in an argument my wife will 99% of the time go off somewhere as it isn't constructive if I am just arguing with myself! 

Outside of home, When everyone is yelling (or speaking over me) and I am battling to hold the stage or even get my foot on it, I use body language to communicate.  Actions speak louder than words, In my case they certainly do, I often find my manager watching me in a group situation knowing I will not often vocalise my opinion.  Body language can be very effective.

Recently, unfortunately I have been on the receiving end of being spoken to in a childlike and humiliating mannor.  I really don't like people who think they are in charge when they are actually absolutely clueless, it is one of my pet hates and faults of many businesses that promote inadequate people into positions that they cannot handle or have not been trained for.  The best way I found to deal with this was to drop everything (carefully) and walk away.  I knew nobody would attempt to try and stop me — I was on my way out before I do something I may regret, like lose my temper.  I know this would of ended very differently If this occured at school, I would of found myself in the heads office. 

There’s nothing wrong with walking away from a heavy situation and coming back to it after you’ve calmed down.  I've found that taking fifteen to twenty minutes to clear my mind and feel my body working; heart beats, lungs fill and empty, thoughts dissipate. This moment of stillness on my own is always 100% enough to cool me down. 

I believe that When you’re in touch with what you’re really feeling, you’re more likely to understand the situation and resolve it instead of avoiding it, approaching a huge % of my problems head in has made all the difference.