Life Via a Line

This afternoon, while having my first session of plasma this week, I overheard a conversation concerning an EOL (end of life) plan, the curtains are not soundproof and actually they were not even drawn properly.   The conversation upset me grately as the patient was very concerned about not upsetting her sons, ensuring her sons would be financially ok, wanting to just die in her sleep so as not to upset them and the hope of having one last cuddle with her grandson.  On leaving the ward, the patient said to me 'see you later Kiddo', I will never forget how that made me feel and will always remember the smile on her face.  On the way to the car I felt very emotional.  My thoughts racing.   It’s so much easier in life to sit outside a situation than be in it.  I cannot begin to understand how it feels to be in a position like the lady this afternoon.  This made me start thinking about life.   How many people choose the safe ...

I have trust issues, this isn't a new revelation as I have touched on this before.  My trust issues have not really ever gone away.      I am now 40, I realize looking back that I never really let people in, mainly for fear that they would let me down, belittle me or make me feel small, or otherwise diminish me in some way. I kept people at a distance, and this impacted my ability to have close, connected relationships/friendships. I used to think I had trust issues because of the way I was as a child, but I’ve come to realize there’s more to it than that. Trust was a matter of what other people did, how they treated me or how they disappointed me.  As I got older, I realised my trust issues are more about me than other people. Now, aged 40,  I may have some small wounds like everyone does from not receiving the emotional nurturing I needed when growing up. I have trust issues not because I distrust others, but because I don’t trust...