What the last 8/9 years has taught me

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Christmas Eve is often like New Year a time of reflection.  

I have thought about a lot today. 

We have started a new chapter in our life and have recently moved house to a small village and we spent the first night last night in our new home.  

The latter part of this year, my relationship with my parents broke down, We have not received a Christmas card even though I have had to listen to extended family members recently attempt to explain that my parents are trying.  

Words currently cannot convey what I need them too and are simply not enough to explain my thoughts and feelings over the past 9 years. 

I have witnessed things that have truly broken my heart.  Some of the experiences I have gone through have made me grow up, I could honestly say prior to becoming ill I was naive but I see the world in a different way now.  

I have learned to be more loving, happy and compassionate. The words gratitude and appreciation became deeper and more meaningful to me.  My condition has robbed me of a lot over the last few years.  

I have lost my sense of purpose and self worth.  I am truly hoping that the new regime of Plasmapheresis (two sessions every other week) will give me some quality of life.  I march around on my little legs like nothing is wrong but I have become an actor.  I am incredibly good at hiding things.  

Just last Friday, I tried to explain to someone I work with that the bravado and constant jokes hide a very shy person.  I am actually incredibly introverted.  I am a very emotional and deep person.  Inside, I am incredibly vulnerable.  

It took me an incredibly long time, from time I actually mean years, to learn that when it comes to what is best for me, my own opinion is the only things that matters, the only thing that counts.  I was raised knowing right from wrong and was smacked as a child.  I learnt all aspects of emotions from worry to self doubt to fear and happiness.  

Unfortunately too many people lie, the truth sets you free and I actually do not believe in telling lies for any reason.  I will never lie just to not upset someone.  The majority of people cannot simply accept the truth.   

I know approaching 40 what is best for me.  For far too long I concentrated on making people happy that in turn made me miserable.  I can never ‘undo’ the experiences I have had, but I have come to look at them was fresh eyes.  

I have learnt that all anyone has to offer is an opinion. It doesn’t matter what the subject is, who the person is; it is simply an opinion.  The only truth is one that is felt by the heart, and it differs from person to person, from moment to moment.  

I feel happier now in my family - my wife and Lindo.  I feel happier inside and at peace with my condition and what I need to concentrate on.  I trust myself and I have the courage to move forward.  This year I have concentrated on me and what I need, I have listened to myself and questioned myself.  I know myself when I need to stop and rest and have listened to my body this year.  

I no longer care what X thinks and I no longer just want to be good enough just to satisfy everyone else.   I have seen enough the last few years for a thousand lifetimes.  I have got to know people in hospital who have passed away from diseases some people will never hear of.  I have watched desperate people at their most vulnerable and it's broken me in a million pieces.   

My life has changed for the better. 








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