Living....

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Since having my line inserted around 16 months ago, I have tried to live differently.  I am trying to be real and authentic.  I am trying to just be me.  

I know how I am.  I am actually an introvert, I am emotional and vulnerable and I hide behind a mask of bravado and jokes.  Only on Friday evening, at our Work Christmas Meal, I was trying to explain who I really am. 

I am learning daily to accept and understand that my truth is the only truth that matters.  

Over the past 6 months I have learnt that you cannot have a healthy future built on a base of lies, denial, games and fabrications.  

Hardly anyone comes from a picture book childhood that exists in Enid Blyton books.  I was taught to live according to my parents system.  I really do not need to go into details but growing up I thought everything was ideal and fine.  I believe that most children growing up are lost, they do not know who they are until they are in the real world. 

 Up until my very late 20s I didn't have answers to most of life's questions.  I had spent many years being who others needed or wanted.  I was never someone to make waves.  Up until my 20s, I didn't have many of my own beliefs or thoughts as events and beliefs were decided for me, I was raised Catholic - attending both Catholic Primary and Secondary school and spent a lot of years at Church Youth Club (Catholic). 

I started to become more self aware when I was in my late 20s.  I began to question my beliefs, my foundation, my understanding and influences.  

Anything, I questioned or was unsure kept me awake for hours and hours.  

I am obviously 10yrs further down the line now and still working on this.  I am a better me than I was before but I am not perfect.  When I feel overwhelmed, stressed and exhausted which I often do, I try and remember I am a better me.  

I still have to make decisions that I don't want to concerning treatment and medication but I make them because I don't really have a choice and I know that.  I force myself to continue despite everything.  My inner me keeps me going through these times, tells me to carry on.  My mind as I have said a thousand times at 3am make 99 problems feel real.  My mind gets caught up and races.  

In my dark moments when I struggle, I react badly and I snap, I react, I shout and I cry.  

Like everyone I get full of doubt and fear, they are bigger than me and can often become all consuming.  I am a total expert at hiding from fear and doubt but I learnt that avoiding and hiding meant I would never learn to battle them.  

Sometimes it is hard to win the battle between you heart and mind.  Simple questions, simples issues, all too often become 99 problems at 3am that rage away.  I now know I have the inner ability to locate what is true and act on that.  

Right now, I am fast approaching 40. I have a wife and my lovely Lindo. I am loved, I am safe and I know what I need to get on and move forward.  

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