Feeling a little lost....

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I have not posted since September.  I have had a tough, up and down couple of months.


My plasma routine has changed from 3 sessions every fourth week to 2 sessions every other week.  I have started insulin (I am 6 days in now and tomorrow will alter the dose).  I have seen a new consultant at Kings a neuro-immunologist, while my consultant celebrates her 50th in New Zealand. 


I've spoken with a number of people recently at hospital and on the phone at work who are doing something that is just okay with their lives but who really want to be doing something else.  I spoke to a young nurse last week who feels an urgency to break free and go for it.  What are they searching for?? What actually is 'it'?

As humans it is in our nature to move in a forward direction, towards greater expression.  When we are standing still we seem to begin to question ourselves, wondering what we’re doing with our lives—and what we’re waiting for..... And yet nothing changes.  I truly think that part of the issue is not actually knowing where to start - January is an obvious starting place for many. Another issue is fear. Fear of the unknown.  Commitment.... 

The nature of commitment is in staying the course, going the distance, falling and getting back up again, continuing onward. Many times in my life as I approach 40, I have mistakenly committed myself to the outcome which was always ego based instead of the process. The process is humble, lowly, and scary.

In my golf, I was committed to the process which enabled me to arrive at a great outcome - the prize so to speak. 

My grandfather always told me that commitment is simple because you simply show up - "Show up for your success.” This was always his message to me. Over and over again. If I showed up, I fulfilled my commitment, helping me express, experience and expand. 

I am rambling on because I am currently lost.  I have been asking myself “What is the one thing that would upset me if, at the end of my life, I do not attempt, do, or complete?”

I don't have a current, immediate answer.  I feel truly lost and under pressure.  For years, I have had my golf so I knew every year what I needed to do.  

I am willing to show up, I am willing to move forward... because that is commitment.  I know I can commit and that's what it takes to make something happen.

My role right now in life is to show up and continue showing up every day, staying the course. Right know I do not mind if I am not doing everything right.  Right now I don't mind if all of this gets me nowhere new.  


The most important thing to me is that I am willing to find out.

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