Daily Decisions

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Every morning I follow the same routine, it feels like a never ending circle of repitition.

Some days, I feel like I am swimming against a very strong tide, battling... No matter how hard or fast I swim I always get knocked back by the tide.   

Living with a condition means that I maybe read, research, think and spend more time worrying than the normal 39yr old.  I battle with my own subconscious more, I continue these soul searching times day after day.  

I live my life in a bubble because I feel safe.  Staying safe is vital to me, staying safe means that I often am resistant to change.  When you change nothing, nothing changes.  Change can happen instantly, but you have to want it.  


My exterior is awkward, I am socially awkward but I make up for this by being loud, I tell jokes to divert attention from myself, I do not give a lot away, I am actually painfully shy and often a little anxious.  Many joke that if I was single I would need to go on Undateables.  I am mistaken for an extrovert because I talk alot but I talk to divert attention.  I struggle with making friends and I am anxious in groups of people.  I am a true and tried Introvert and life is challenging for people like me.  


Since starting in my current role in December 2017, I have made an effort to talk and mix.  It's a predominantly female environment which made it harder.  I've got up everyday and made changes to who and how I am.  I try not to allow any negativity in my head, negativity breeds negativity and it is detrimental to anyone and everyone including me.  It's hard to always be positive but I really try.  I am too young to stay at home with the duvet over my  waiting for whatever is coming for me.  


Every day I fight for myself because if I don’t, no one else will.  It is not easy, believe me.  My mindset is shifting but I know if I cannot change the way I see the world, then the world I see everyday will never change.  

My mind is a muscle and is currently not damaged so I practice on working on this, making it stronger no matter what.  No negativity breeding negativity and no wallowing in self pity.   Right now, I am alive, I have an automatic car, I have made the adaptions needed to make a life.  I believe that no matter what happens I will be ok and that's what is important. 

I know things won’t always work out how I want them to just because I think positively, but I believe I will be okay no matter what happens, and that’s making a huge difference mentally.  

I am not my thoughts and feelings, I just  experience random thoughts and feelings, but they no longer own me like they used too.  Like everything in life,  it is doable with some hard work, this hard work is at my pace as it has to be or it will not work.  


Moving forward, I am going to live more in the world and less in my head.  I can change anything given time. 

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