Intensity and Sensitivity

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Growing up, I used to believe that there was something seriously wrong with me, I used to stress about it and thinking of how to fix myself was my main pastime. 

I was very emotional inside, sensitive and intense.  I told this to myself, and plenty of other people told it to me too, both directly and indirectly.

I had an analysis of life rather than an experience of life. When alone, my life was deep and vivid and rich. I felt it all. Little did I know then that actually no one knows how to live. We just do it.


Emotion would often hit me at really inconvenient times, I tried to keep it under control. 


I struggled to trust myself, I struggled to trust my thoughts.  My own body confused me and my sensitivity was out of control.  


In 2010, when I became ill, I fell apart, It all fell apart. I realized that there was more to me, and the life I was living was a fake, a construction of me based purely on my thoughts.  Realizing how much of my life was a lie and how directly I could connect with and trust my body made me see that I couldn’t keep living that life. It was a beautiful break down.


It was actually an extremely funny paradox to be honest, that is was so hard for me to relax because it was hard for me to let things be easy.  I thought that everything took too much effort.  I actually couldn’t believe that I could have such immediate results from a simple process of listening to myself to give me and my body what it wanted.


Many times what my body needed surprised me, or actually even seemed hilarious. My subconscious seemed like this alien that was living in me; it was not the “me” that I identified with, yet it seemed to be living in me, generating these images and emotions and ideas that “I” did not create.


Becoming Ill with enforced rest during my captains year in 2010 helped me realise that life is actually easier than I thought it was.  When you sit and think about life it seems hard but actually as life is already happening it is easy. 


It was a revelation to realize that there is nothing wrong with me and all my thinking.  It's actually just the way I am, it's me.  








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