Being Enough

When I was younger, my family defined who I was and their mistakes left me feeling not good enough and not worthy. 

At this young age I had never ever heard Maya Angelou’s words, “You alone are enough,” so I tried to prove my worth by getting a Saturday  job at fourteen in the small pharmacy up the road. £11 for 4 hours.  My work, school, tennis and my time spent at church youth club became a means to prove to others I was good enough.  I was more than good enough. 

Now, at the age of thirty-nine, fastly approaching 40 years old, I still recognize this tendency to demonstrate my value to others.   I know I will likely need to work at reminding myself of being good enough and my worth for the rest of my life.

Shame seemed to blossom inside of me and it encouraged me to keep a perfect house and to build a resume that said I was somebody.  

Obviously these are not bad things.  I don't regret some of my accomplishments, but yet I'm aware that I've worked myself to death at times, in order to validate my worthiness.

Shame is the tiny voice inside of me, the voice in my head that questions my worth while my little devil sat in my shoulder tells me time and time again that I will never measure up. 

For me, it has been incredibly important to let go of this need to be perfect, while I have been attempting to heal my shame. 

I know now that I don't have to be perfect, so I can then be honest and vulnerable with my friends about the struggles I am facing in my life.  Opening up to people close to me like my sister helped me hear the "me too".  Once I heard this,  it normalized my life and reminded me I am human just like everyone else. 

Shame can be a very isolating feeling.  It made me feel like I was sinking in wet concrete, but when I kept everything to myself, all I did was descend further into the wet concrete.  I needed someone to pull me out of this wet concrete.  Someone accepting, empathetic, free or judgement and who just feels good to be near - my wife and Lindo or my sister.  

It was so important for me to see myself, accept myself and to know inside that I mattered. So next time I start to doubt myself, it is vital that I remind myself that I am enough.

Knowing that I am enough meant that I see every part of me.  It was crucial for me to stop feeling shame and to start affirming myself and my value. 

I am enough.

I don't need to prove myself to anyone.

Please don't end up like me and waste way too many years trying to prove your worth.

I am truly enough.  I am letting this knowledge settle into my mind, my bones, my flesh, my heart, and every part of my being.