Who am I

Early hours of Friday morning and I am awake, with a cup of tea listening to the river outside the cottage, I have several thoughts racing through my mind, some utterly ridiculous and I have the advert song from People's Postcode or whatever it is called running on loop in my mind..

One of my thoughts at 12:05am is Who am I? 

This is a question I often ask myself, I am famous for one to one chats with myself in the mirror, I call them my having a word with myself moment. 

I work as a part time in Pharmacy in a busy GP surgery with around 14,000 patients.

In Pharmacy, everything is supposed to fit in its right place and there is an established value system in place. In my experience of working in Pharmacy for the majority of my working life, I believe my current role is founded on one major theme, and everyone is expected to conform to this - 

Command is valued over communication.

This is an area where I have done a great job making myself an outcast, infact other than my time at Boots, I have always been an outcast and not due to my making.  The belief system of the work I now do within a GP setting is contradictory to my own.

I genuinely care for people, I have morals and ethics and work within set procedures and guidelines that K  have always worked within regardless of the environment and I believe in communication above all else in my role.  I have always prefered to talk instead of yell, and ask instead of tell.

My way of doing my job often differs from others in my profession, I am old school, trained during the 90s.  

In previous positions, I learnt that people will do everything they can to make you conform to their “rules.” , life becomes very tough if you don't, even though their ways were immoral and wrong. 

It can become truly exhausting sometimes to remain true to yourself in an environment where everyone expects you to be something else entirely. 

I have established that it is difficult and uncomfortable to be different, so why not just conform? These molds are there for a reason apparently.  

I can tell you that these molds have never worked for me.

The reason I do things the way I do is because there are people in my life that bought me up and taught me to always be true to myself.  My famous nun from Primary School told me that I have a unique perspective to offer the world that no one else does and I should share what I have to offer.  

Because of this,  I choose to do things differently.

I have helped to change people's lives simply by being true to myself. I have gotten through to peers that others haven't been able to because I don't fit the mold. I promise you, nothing feels better than following the path in your heart.

I am not saying that my way is better than any other way. I am simply sharing that the different approach that I bring to life and to my approach at work has proven to be invaluable to others.

From previous blog posts you all know by now that the nuns in my primary school had a massive impact on my life and they taught me that If there isn't any conflict in human interaction it usually means one person is compromising their beliefs and a little bit of conflict is natural, it should be learnt from and accepted as part of human nature and life.  

There is a catch, I believe that comes with breaking any mold, just like being gay, It definitely isn't the easy road and I have faced some difficulties, I've been mocked, misunderstood and even outcasted during several discussions at College but to me it's always worth it.

To the people I have helped and for my own personal happiness in life, there is no alternative. I have to 100% be true to myself against all odds (key Phil Collins Song...)

My way of living my life has been difficult, I would be lying to you if I said it has always been easy but it has been rewarding. I chose not to compromise my beliefs just to fit in, and I would gladly do the 39 years again in the same way.  

The choice of who you are is ultimately up to you as an individual.

I always knew my identity, I would of never survived the pressure and ridicule otherwise.

From my nuns, I learnt that humans attack what they don't understand. It isn't that they dislike or totally disapprove, it is simply that they don't understand what you represent and that the people attacking are really just protecting their own ideals, because what you represent makes them question their values.

Everyone's opinion and approach to life, work, death matters and I love nothing more than chatting and debates.  I knew that at primary school age that once I started out on my path in life, I would never turn my back on it, no matter how tough, I always kept my head and chin up and went to bed knowing that my heart was never compromised.  

Over the years, I have gained respect from all manor of people and peers, they understand my approach and respect me for it even if they don't agree.  

I won't divulge people I respect but I know that all the great people in history chose to break the mold and to walk their own path.