Challenging Behaviour

I feel threatened by aspects of my increasingly complex world; but to date my life has never been actually in danger.

The problem is that my brain, like it did when I watched Nightmare on Elm Street on Laser Disc all those years ago, reacts as if I am and when I feel threatened, my brain takes over along with my imagination.  In my mind, at 38 Freddie is still going to kill me in my bed.

My often mysterious outbursts, actually I have witnessed others have these aswell.  When these happen, higher level capacities, which live in our pre-frontal cortex are disabled. These include things like empathy, creativity, flexibility, and the ability to see new possibilities.

My brain will take even the slightest feedback and make it become devastating.
In my world, things like transparency, vulnerability, and being willing to admit my imperfections go a long way.

I am humbled and I realise the differences between my fight, my flight, my withdrawal and my reasons to freeze.

Shame, blame, complaining, explaining, justifying, defending, and denying are indicators of disconnection from myself and everyone around me.  I learnt this disconnection as a child, so for all of us it feels normal.  As a 38 year old I have learnt that I need connection, a stressful situation can only be navigated if I am connected.

I struggle with compassion, I always have.  I always blame myself or those around me for how they react, the safety styles, the reactive patterns become more entrenched and cleverer. Their job is protection. They do it well believe me. 

I’ve learned to see my desire to appear perfect for what it is, which gives me a chance to express something different, to be vulnerable and transparent.