A change in pace...

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Having my line inserted was a painful and humbling process.  Having the line inserted changed my life.

The identities I previously carried around were suddenly irrelevant; the superficial relationships I lent my body to now felt wasteful; and my loneliness was alchemized into gratitude as I saw my body and life heal all due to the line. 

Thinking back to my life before my line, I realize how disembodied I was.
I had been giving myself away to feel more alive, yet I was numbing myself to a point of not even realizing how tired I was.

Before the line was inserted, I didn't pay much attention to my body other than the feeling of daily pain.  If I did pay attention,  I would have likely realized that I was tired, in need of rest, to express my loneliness in way that nourished me.  I was not listening to the wisdom my body was giving me and I certainly wasn't listening to anyone else, who were just actually expressing love and concern.

Since having the line inserted, I have spent time with myself, paying attention to different feelings, paying attention to my line and how it feels. 

I actually no longer feel validated and worthwhile just because I am busy or constantly on the go. 
I have learnt to acknowledge and recognize feedback from my body.  Feedback has taught me what I need physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. Most importantly, I have learnt that these feelings of mine change like all feelings do, and that no state of mind lasts forever.

We live in a society that tells us that we need this, or we need that to be whole or worthy of something. Yet, I believe we have all the wisdom we need to live a healthy, awake, and attuned life in our very bodies.  Before this condition and the chest line, I was taking a passive responsibility over my health and well-being. 

This year, I will listen to ever single heartbeat and ache in my body and I need to preserve and devote time to it, I hope that as I am able to take attuned and devoted care of my own body and self, I am hoping I can do this for my wife and for others. 


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