Basic act of Surrendering

I have always believed that surrendering equates to failure.

Earlier this year, I felt completely defeated by life. I was down for the count.  I knew while being down for the count, that I couldn't get back up on my feet until I surrendered.

Every part of my life flooded before me, my life felt perfect until this point.  My golf, my career to date, my wife, my family all of it on a conveyor belt flooding my mind.  

7 years prior to having my line fitted while I was out playing golf, Life had thrown me a massive curveball, more like a shower of curveballs that ripped my life up into a billion pieces.  To everyone around me, I appeared to be living the dream.  Lady Captain off of +2 while holding down a job in the NHS.  My life was never the same again.  

After a few years of this, my life was unravelling before my eyes and after knowing nothing but success, I started to encounter nothing but failure.  Exhaustion, pain and my weight all out of control. 

Several times, I just wanted it all to end, to make the pain go away.  Over and over mind would tell me this isn’t how it was supposed to be, I had achieved so much in my life and worked so hard.  Happy and successful into a mess.  I was at war with myself and what was happening to me.

I am in a new phase now of constant treatment and having my permanent chest line.  My key moment came when I was able to occupy my reality and face what was happening to me.  I was surrendering, Christ on a bike surrendering wasn't me giving up on my life but me giving up fighting with life.  Finally, I was able to work with my life.

This was going against everything I believed, logically in life everyone should be nice, meaning good things happening to everyone.  I tried not to get into the debate about what good means as it was 02:53am, again logically what is good is in the eye of who it's happening too.  Everything good or bad that happens is well beyond my control.  The only thing in my control is my own actions and reactions.  I know I act according to my own convictions.

This is why surrendering became my ultimate tool for empowerment and positive action.  I stopped wallowing in the unfairness of what shit life had dealt me and decided I needed to live in the here and now.  Stopping fighting with life meant that I became so much more positive, my mind fog cleared and I was in control.  I needed to be back in control.  

I was ill because life is unfair, life is unjust and basically by pure chance.  Being ill has taught me valuable life lessons and I believe this has been the key to me being able to move forward now.

I have made a life for myself that works for me now, rather than me fighting the one that wasn’t.  I have made so many positive decisions because of this change, I have small victories all thanks to that very first act of surrendering.  As humans, we are imperfect beings and total, ongoing, and permanent surrender is unrealistic. 

What you’re supposed to do when you don’t like a thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Don’t complain.

Today, I try to accept what life has given me, by surrendering, I have avoided creating lots of drama and negativity. I feel happier, more settled and feel a sense of achievement.  

This all started with surrendering.